the exploratory energy all feels gone right now. like i’m waiting for something to lift me up as if anybody but Me could be responsible for that. really feeling not ok today, series of events via conversation with dean weakened me… nothing that is his fault. i spend so much time convincing myself that i’m invincible and can do whatever i want that when something penetrates, unexpectedly, i crumble and wish for a cave to crawl into. i am never as sure of myself as i let on. it’s unfortunate, really.
a day in retail where i spent the morning cursing the fact that in this culture i can’t take a ‘mental health day’ because you can’t take time off and even if you could it would just mean that your paycheck will be less than it needs to be two weeks from now. it’s all so exhausting, really. i’m throwing myself back into the french poetry from the 60s 70s 80s what else is new but i’m more focused now, things seem to be making more sense; like i’m finally able to move past awe and start to feel.
watching a movie a night because i can’t make myself work. on what needs to be worked on. so tired and not. mom & brother visited san francisco and for the first time ever somebody in my family met someone i love. the initial shock subsided so quickly & things went well that i didn’t even have a moment to process how monumental of an event had occurred. sometimes things should be so easy, and they are. other times they are not.
i want to swim under the sun in a river, feel rocks and sand under my feet. san francisco i love you but you are changing into something that neither me nor anyone who i love can navigate. i guess it always happens this way.
it’s as if i feel so utterly alone but that is wrong. like i want to say “i’m sorry” but i’m not sure who it needs to be said to other than myself. capitalism is making me forget to take care of myself in ways that are essential. fruits & vegetables, stretching my body, accurate rest. instead a machine moving forward. waiting for something without being able to articulate what that something is.